US Presidents, Ranked

#1: George WashingtonLived 1732 - 1799In office 1789 - 1797

Pros:

Won war for independence, invented the presidency, stepped down voluntarily.

Cons:

Did nothing about slavery, despite being one of the few people who could have done something.

Fun facts:

His spring-loaded false teeth were constantly in danger of jumping out of his mouth. He kept his mouth closed to prevent this, making his speeches hard to hear.

#32: Franklin D RooseveltLived 1882 - 1945In office 1933 - 1945

Pros:

Won World War 2, enacted the New Deal, resisted dictatorship worldwide, and resisted being corrupted by his own unprecedented popularity and power.

Cons:

Interned Japanese-Americans, authorized many civilians deaths in World War 2.

Fun facts:

Was the president who defined the Democrats as the party of ethnic minorities and the working class.

#16: Abraham LincolnLived 1809 - 1865In office 1861 - 1865

Pros:

Reunited the country, freed the slaves. Pretty stand-up guy.

Cons:

Was hella racist, just didn't think slavery was good. Wanted to deport ex-slaves to Africa.

Fun facts:

Gets a lot of credit for winning the war, but that was 95% Grant.

#34: Dwight D EisenhowerLived 1890 - 1969In office 1953 - 1961

Pros:

Genuinely anti-racist, was also against military-industrial complex, a brilliant diplomat, desegregated schools and the military.

Cons:

Definitely killed a lot of civilians in World War 2.

Fun facts:

Spent the entire war openly having an affair with Kay Summersby and unceremoniously dumped her as soon as it was done. "Patton would have said a warmer goodbye to his horse."

#4: James MadisonLived 1751 - 1836In office 1809 - 1817

Pros:

Almost single-handedly wrote the American constitution, by persuading other people it was their idea.

Cons:

Slave owner, not a great administrator.

Fun facts:

There was nothing fun about Madison.

#18: Ulysses S GrantLived 1822 - 1885In office 1869 - 1877

Pros:

Won the Civil War for Lincoln, gave Lincoln all the credit.

Cons:

Fucked up Indian "Peace" policy. Inherited slaves, but freed them shortly afterwards.

Fun facts:

His name was picked at random from a hat of suggestions by relatives; all of the other names were totally ordinary.

#26: Theodore RooseveltLived 1858 - 1919In office 1901 - 1909

Pros:

Passed big social programs, pioneered conservation of natural resources, did a lot of trust busting.

Cons:

Was super racist, and aggressively imperialist.

Fun facts:

Famous being for pro-conservation but really loved hunting; his push for national parks was mostly so he would have quiet, unspoiled places to shoot bears and bison. Teddy Bears are named after a bear he (unusually) refrained from shooting one time.

#28: Woodrow WilsonLived 1856 - 1924In office 1913 - 1921

Pros:

Won World War 1, proposed the League of Nations.

Cons:

The ultimate "civility politics" guy, was racist and anti-semitic.

Fun facts:

When he got sick his wife Edith basically executed a palace coup, making major decisions including vetoing a constitutional amendment in his name. It was wild.

#39: Jimmy CarterLived 1924 - presentIn office 1977 - 1981

Pros:

Brokered the Camp David accords, the only real progress towards peace in the Middle East since 1915.

Cons:

Not much.

Fun facts:

Hired a poor translator when visiting Poland, accidentally said he wanted to have sex with the people of Poland.

#27: William Howard TaftLived 1857 - 1930In office 1909 - 1913

Pros:

Not a bad president, was a pretty good Supreme Court justice.

Cons:

Was all up in the Phillipines.

Fun facts:

Everyone thinks of him as being fat but he was mostly a normal weight, becoming fat only in the last few years of his presidency and losing weight again afterwards.

#35: John F KennedyLived 1917 - 1963In office 1961 - 1963

Pros:

Avoided WW3 when it was mostly likely to happen, mostly because Curtis LeMay kept deliberately attempting to start it.

Cons:

Stole elections, constantly lied about his health.

Fun facts:

Was probably addicted to amphetamines for his entire presidency.

#6: John Quincy AdamsLived 1767 - 1848In office 1825 - 1829

Pros:

Didn't own slaves, fought against slavery.

Cons:

Like his dad in every way but more so.

Fun facts:

Only president to go back to Congress after being president.

#31: Herbert HooverLived 1874 - 1964In office 1929 - 1933

Pros:

Rescued folks stranded in WW1, ran an enormous food-aid program that saved half of Europe from starvation.

Cons:

A racist. He tried to stop the depression but failed.

Fun facts:

At one point had diplomatic immunity from every party in World War 1 as part of his food relief program.

#40: Ronald ReaganLived 1911 - 2004In office 1981 - 1989

Pros:

Made progress in world peace and disarmament.

Cons:

Almost certainly stole the 1980 election from Carter. Did a bunch of illegal shit like Iran Contra, including war crimes.

Fun facts:

Wasn't actually a very good actor; he really believed all that stuff he said about evil empires.

#3: Thomas JeffersonLived 1743 - 1826In office 1801 - 1809

Pros:

Accomplished diplomat and soldier, so-so president.

Cons:

Slave owner, serial and persistent rapist.

Fun facts:

Died completely broke and left nothing to his children.

#30: Calvin CoolidgeLived 1872 - 1933In office 1923 - 1929

Pros:

Cut taxes a lot, increasing economic activity and thus growing actual taxes taken, i.e. that trick the Republicans have been trying ever since. It worked this time and no other time.

Cons:

Broke a police strike.

Fun facts:

Had a reputation for loving animals so people kept giving him them as gifts, including dogs and cats, canaries, a goose, raccoons, a donkey, a bobcat, lions, a wallaby, a bear and a pygmy hippo named Billy.

#22: Grover ClevelandLived 1837 - 1908In office 1885 - 1889

Pros:

Did his best and was better than some.

Cons:

Only president with non-consecutive terms, complicating my presidential-ranking software.

Fun facts:

His first name was actually "Steven", "Steven Cleveland" being the only thing that sounds sillier than "Grover Cleveland". The candy bar "Baby Ruth" is named after his daughter Ruth, not the baseball player.

#23: Benjamin HarrisonLived 1833 - 1901In office 1889 - 1893

Pros:

Added more states to the union than anybody since Washington.

Cons:

Not much.

Fun facts:

Was the grandson of William Henry Harrison.

#2: John AdamsLived 1735 - 1826In office 1797 - 1801

Pros:

Not a slave owner, when that was unusual.

Cons:

Prudish, self-important, entitled, inept. Passed the Alien and Sedition Acts which trampled civil liberties.

Fun facts:

#20: James A GarfieldLived 1831 - 1881In office 1881

Pros:

Nothing.

Cons:

Died after 6 months in office.

Fun facts:

The doctor who treated Garfield was Doctor Doctor Willard Bliss; his first name was "Doctor" given to him by parents who were trying to influence his later career. He was a very bad doctor, and his incompetent treatment killed Garfield.

#25: William McKinleyLived 1843 - 1901In office 1897 - 1901

Pros:

Dull.

Cons:

Aggressively imperialist, annexed Puerto Rico and Guam, tried to annex Cuba and The Phillipines.

Fun facts:

Never wrote anything down about his decision-making process, frustrating historians.

#29: Warren G HardingLived 1865 - 1923In office 1921 - 1923

Pros:

Proposed social programs but didn't get anywhere.

Cons:

Died in office.

Fun facts:

Even by presidential standards had a lot of sex scandals.

#36: Lyndon B JohnsonLived 1908 - 1973In office 1963 - 1969

Pros:

Made huge progress in civil rights.

Cons:

Got US firmly stuck in Vietnam, permanently eroding trust in the presidency.

Fun facts:

Was incredibly fucked up psychologically, was essentially emotionally abusive to everyone who worked for him.

#38: Gerald FordLived 1913 - 2006In office 1974 - 1977

Pros:

Didn't fuck anything up.

Cons:

Didn't do much good.

Fun facts:

Really just wanted to be leader of the House and didn't know what to do with the presidency once he got it.

#41: George H W BushLived 1924 - 2018In office 1989 - 1993

Pros:

Nothing.

Cons:

Nothing.

Fun facts:

Enjoyed parachute jumping, completing jumps at age 72, 75, 80, 85 and 90.

#19: Rutherford B HayesLived 1822 - 1893In office 1877 - 1881

Pros:

Nothing.

Cons:

Nothing.

Fun facts:

The very definition of the middle of the pack, he did nothing good or bad, he did nothing at all.

#21: Chester A ArthurLived 1829 - 1886In office 1881 - 1885

Pros:

Tried his best but it wasn't very good.

Cons:

Not much.

Fun facts:

Had an amazing correspondence with a woman called Julia Sand who exhorted him to be a better president.

#13: Millard FillmoreLived 1800 - 1874In office 1850 - 1853

Pros:

Said slavery was bad (but did nothing).

Cons:

Enacted the compromise of 1850, kicking the Civil War can down the road yet again.

Fun facts:

Looks kind of like Alec Baldwin.

#5: James MonroeLived 1758 - 1831In office 1817 - 1825

Pros:

Invented a bad but long-lived Doctrine.

Cons:

Slave owner who supported the Missouri compromise that kicked the Civil War can down the road again.

Fun facts:

#11: James K PolkLived 1795 - 1849In office 1845 - 1849

Pros:

Lucked into doubling the size of the US with the Louisiana Purchase.

Cons:

A Jacksonian puppet with few ideas, owned slaves.

Fun facts:

Polk was basically Jackson's third term.

#8: Martin Van BurenLived 1782 - 1862In office 1837 - 1841

Pros:

Opposed slavery (but owned slaves before becoming president).

Cons:

Murdered a bunch of native americans.

Fun facts:

Popularized the word "OK" as an abbreviation of the existing phrase "Oil Korrect"

#10: John TylerLived 1790 - 1862In office 1841 - 1845

Pros:

Defined vice presidential succession through sheer force of will.

Cons:

Boring and ineffective and sucked.

Fun facts:

When Harrison died, no president had ever died in office before and it wasn't clear if the VP became president or just "acting President". Tyler decided you became full president and served the rest of the term, even though this wasn't written down anywhere.

#9: William Henry HarrisonLived 1773 - 1841In office 1841

Pros:

None.

Cons:

Died after 31 days.

Fun facts:

Despite famously dying early, he got more done than others who lasted much longer.

#12: Zachary TaylorLived 1784 - 1850In office 1849 - 1850

Pros:

None.

Cons:

Owned slaves, compromised on slavery.

Fun facts:

Died after 16 months in office by drinking raw milk on the hottest day of the year.

#14: Franklin PierceLived 1804 - 1869In office 1853 - 1857

Pros:

Fuck all.

Cons:

Passed the Kansas-Nebraska act, enforced slave laws, kicked the Civil War can, was a traitor.

Fun facts:

In the Civil War he supported the south! What a guy!

#33: Harry S TrumanLived 1884 - 1972In office 1945 - 1953

Pros:

Nothing.

Cons:

A shockingly corrupt politician, he was also a racist and authorized mass civilian murder in Japan long before he dropped the atomic bomb, indisputably a war criminal.

Fun facts:

Invented "catfishing"; pretended to be a woman corresponding with his friends for months as a cruel practical joke.

#15: James BuchananLived 1791 - 1868In office 1857 - 1861

Pros:

The Civil War wasn't his fault, he was just left holding the hot potato after the last 14 guys enacted increasingly short-lived band-aids.

Cons:

Leaned on the Supreme Court to get the Dred Scott decision which kicked off the civil war. Broke the country.

Fun facts:

3 members of congress died at his inauguration.

#37: Richard NixonLived 1913 - 1994In office 1969 - 1974

Pros:

Opened relations with China, made huge progress with USSR relations, made enormous progress towards world peace.

Cons:

Fucked up the American presidency forever, enthusiastically committed war crimes in Vietnam and Cambodia, was corrupt as all hell and openly criminal.

Fun facts:

Like JFK, was probably high for most of his presidency.

#7: Andrew JacksonLived 1767 - 1845In office 1829 - 1837

Pros:

None, he sucked.

Cons:

Slavery, multiple genocides, tons of war crimes, killed people in duels, tanked the economy. Just awful.

Fun facts:

His grumpy temperament may have been the result of lead poisoning from lead bullet fragments left embedded in his shoulder after a duel.

#17: Andrew JohnsonLived 1808 - 1875In office 1865 - 1869

Pros:

None. Fuck that guy.

Cons:

A racist who deliberately fucked up reconstruction and set back civil rights for more than a hundred years.

Fun facts:

Was impeached by the house and absolutely should have been removed by the senate.